Monday, July 27, 2009

Read Darwin's Lips: No New Taxes

Geez, Repubs. First Gov. Palin just goes and aborts Alaska, and now this!

North Carolina used to be as reliably Red as it was verdant and oh, so full of Clean and Proper Ladies Wearing Pearls. Until last November, that is.

So! How to fight against poor people being able to get those fuzzy, irregular moles checked in places besides barn stalls and emergency rooms?
Wait! There's More! -------->

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Monday, July 13, 2009

Apropos of Everything: "Analog" Probably is the Right Word

You may remember Ralph Reed, hairy right-palm of God, former boy-scion of the Christian Coaliton, right? Beloved among scholars and thinkers, he was part of a "triumvirate" (that's Latin for "not gay") with noted political heavyweights Jack "Big Chief" Abramoff and Grover Norquist.

Reed announced today that a new political organization is a' formin'. (I confess --I quivered shamefully in excitement.)

Reed thusly described it:
"...It is the political analog to the iPod and the iPhone. It would be cool."
He then went on to liken himself to Steve Jobs of Apple.

So...Using a complex calculus wherein the relative orangeness of Reed's spray tan is multiplied by a factor of years of defeat, we here at NSFF have concluded that this new labor of love is sort of like if Twitter and Leviticus mated in a tub of moonshine and produced an iPhone app that is actually an unassailably hetero lobbyist that walks on water while maintaining 501 (c)(3) status.

This bright new advocacy group will allow right-leaning folk to more effectively spread their Magic Negro-brand of outreach to the dozen or so under-40 "young" folk and assorted shut-ins that comprise this Brave New RightWing Base.

Imagine, if you will, a Culture Wars 2.0., on it's way to an Internets near you. (1.0 produced Newt, who--with Ken Starr--knit the most important love-spackled Blue Dress of the 90's, which was later worn by Bush Dos for his Inaugural, then after that, showed up in Palin's $200k Neiman Marcus wardrobe before mutating into the H1N1 virus and killing some Mexicans).

Norquist, you may recall, found Christ with Reed in a phone booth in a Capitol Hill pub after he retired from popular socialist childrens' program "Sesame Street." Well, he didn't find Christ, together, with Reed in delicto. (Heavens, no!)

Norquist and Reed did, however, accept the Lord into their hearts together after downing some Long Island Iced Teas and being discovered in a phone booth by Ronald Reagan. Or at least that is how the legend goes. Perhaps "Capitol Hill Pub" is actually a euphemism for something unholy, like Santorum. Or Hot Karl. Or ACORN.

Take note, heathens! Because, as one of Hebrew origins, that righteous path to sweet, hot salvation was unavailable to poor Jack Abramoff. And just look at what happened to him! The fact that he currently resides in Cellblock X at Guantanamo--next to the deadly and treacherous Uighurs--is evidence to some over on the Left Behind blog comments section that God Himself passed judgement on the unholy mixing of those that will head skyward at the Rapture and those that will be left back with the gays, artists, thinkers, Nobama, and other infidels.

One last question still burned inside of me: Will this nascent hipster Christian Coalition be accepting of a white, white, snow-white person such as my pure Northern-European-descended blonde self? We are quite a beleaguered minority as of late, you know! What with Wise Latinas storming the steps of Lady Liberty and now even Don Imus can't say anything about a gal's hairstyle!

So I took my keyboard and did what any wholly saved and Aryan-esque Godly woman should up and do, and visited the Internet Web Site for this new Movement taking Real 'Merica by storm.

Yes! Good tidings to report! I have a full 5 bars of Jesus-reception in my heart as I report that-- judging from the photo on the splash page showing their total of five current members, all flaxen-haired and opposite-sex loving--my kind will be eagerly welcomed without, wink, "changing the complexion" (as they say in Philly).

I am just so excited for this totally rad new Coalition that likes Freedom: It's going to be just like the Obama movement, only with bloody cabbage patch dolls in strollers and global gag-rules!

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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Narsciscissistically Awaited Public Stoning (ergo, MicroFame) for Sarah Palin Aborto-Post

But alas, not even a murmur of outrage from neither wingnut nor PUMA quarters, nor people who buy Precious Moments. (Yes, I am aware that in a Venn diagram these would overlap significantly) I am a sad, sad person.

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