And By "Lincoln-Douglas Style Debate" They Mean "Wingnuts Will Be Frisked for Weapons at the Door"

Friends, Space-Muslims, and Countrymen:

Tonight I will alight upon the not-a-townhall healthcare debate thing put on by the DL21c and Young Invincibles in NYC. Noted performance artiste Betsy McCaughey, author of No Exit: Obama Will Swallow Grandma Whole, will be there to play Alan Colmes to Rep. Anthony Weiner's Sean Hannity. Or maybe Roy to Weiner's Seigfreid. Or maybe she is going to Seigfried his Weiner. Either way, I will report, you will decide.

I have submitted a few questions for Bets myself via the event webpage:

Q:

In 1994, Philip Morris tobacco covertly paid you to pen a fantasy trilogy in the literary style of H.P Lovecraft entitled, “No Exit: A Gay Abortions Story”, which is widely credited with stopping the Clinton reforms that could have saved hundreds of thousands of American lives.

How many ghosts of people who were denied care do you see at night when you turn off the lights?

A) I thought they were imaginary friends

B) Many. Never the same ones twice, though

C) None, Rushbo has the best hookup for “Ambien" from "Thailand"

Q:

Folks like Jayson Blair and Stephen Glass have been liberated to pursue fulfilling new careers in fields different from writing for newspapers, but your similar cries for help in the form of entertaining op-eds where outdated or wholly invented "facts" are paraded out like bloody sheets after a tribal muslim wedding, continue to be championed as real and true by the flying monkeys of the corporate right. Are you

A) Boiling with jealousy over the intervention Jayson and Stephen got

B) Just a little envious that someone cared enough about them to fact-check their work or

C) SOMEBODY PLEASE STOP ME WHY DON’T YOU LISTEN PLEASE THESE UNBELIEVEABLE, WHOLLY FABRICATED RANTS AGAINST MIDDLE-CLASS PEOPLE BEING ABLE TO ACTUALLY GO TO THE FREAKIN’ DOCTOR ARE A CRY FOR HELP CHRIST, EVEN ORLY TAITZ WOULD HAVE BEEN SANCTIONED BY NOW STTTTTOOOOOPPPPP MMMMEEEEEEEE PLEEEEEASE

Q:

Because blogging and internet commentary in general were not around in 1994 to swiftly expose your tobacco-sponsored right wing fan-fiction, and you were able to somehow wrest a lucrative career from the arms of the bloated corpse of truth, are you

A) Grateful-there really was only talk-radio back then

B) Relieved, just made it through before Youtube!

C) Wikipedia is a vast left-wing conspiracy

Q:

Since the evidence strongly suggests that you are at best corrupt and soul-less, and at worst a disturbed homonculus formed by Satan himself from his own feces in the 10th circle of Dante’s Inferno, some have claimed that the “patient advocating” you do is not really about advocating for actual live human patients at all, but about creating a title more sound-bite friendly than “unregistered lobbyist for the health insurance industry" in a manner similar to Bush gutting protection for forests under a bill entitled, "Healthy Forests Initiative"

So, exactly how retarded do we have to be to consider you an advocate for anything other than the need to introduce punitive asylums for the politically insane?

A) Corky-level

B) Full Palin (Sarah, of course! How terrible of you!)

C) Just a touch of Aspergers

Q:

Betsy, I am very relieved that since Orly Taitz has been stripped of her law license she has found a satisfying new career as a hair stylist. Your ‘do looks terrific and I must say “Chernobyl-Blonde” really suits your skin type. (I am a “winter” as well!) Could you give me her number? My roots are crying out for some attention!

Q:

Dear Bets--LOVE your TV appearances. I am a HUGE fan. I know that the Wall Street Journal allows you to submit your hilarious op-eds after you’ve scrawled them in purple crayon on the walls of your “chalet” (as the orderlies call it! Isn’t that sweet of them) My question is this: Isn’t it expensive for Bellvue to keep replacing sections of the padding material on the wall just so you can submit your column every week? You must have EXCELLENT insurance to cover all that!

Q:

Is “cancer” actually you? What evidence do you have that you are an actual person with a potential for sentience and not a greedy, malignant mass on the unsuspecting lymph node of progress?

A) I have an running spot in the Wall Street Journal. Ok, I guess I have no evidence!

B) Hey- how many parasitic growths have been on the Daily Show?

C) In what sense, Charlie?

LAST ONE, I PROMISE:

You have been called the Sarah Palin of the 90's, in the sense that you emerged through what is now recognized as the standard operating procedure for debuting republican "ideas": an alternating current of thrilling/terrifying-- all fireworks, jazz hands, and Neiman Marcus businesswear-- eventually crashing back down to the "reality plane," where the rest of us live.

My question is: If Sarah Palin is also totes for Death Panels and you are both in the same room at the same time, does that room become like a particle collider of matter and some kind of nazi-socialist anti-matter that will cause a black hole and end the world? And is Bill Kristol like totally the Dr. Evil is this equation? I ask cuz I noticed that you and Sarah are never photographed together in the same place...

Your thoughts?