Happy Ending are Forever

What do I look for in a man besides someone who won’t go out for a pack of cigarettes and never come back? The same things we all want: mental stimulation, sexual intuitiveness, and someone to tickle-fight with under our ironic snuggies.   

But to find this person, how about mixing it up a bit? Taking a novel approach to the event, how about a first date so subtly skewed that the two of you could bond over the absurdity of it?

Why, you ask, would anyone want to have a date go wrong on purpose? Simple, to have some outside force to bond in opposition to...To have some outside force to which you are in opposition--oh, fuck you grammar nazis. 

So why not head to Chinatown and try something like this? 

1.  Would you like feet with that? Find the restaurant with the most menacing hanging-poultry display you’ve ever seen and get a double order of chicken feet. Will they be relieved when you go for Thai on the second date? Will you find out they like to eat feet? Either way…win.

2. Stroll down counterfeit alley. Find out how your politics match up with a debate over handbags  & watches. “Children make those!”  “Human trafficking? Who cares, this ‘Guchi’ is sick!” The conflict causes sexual tension to flare up like electricity conducting off a balloon made by children paid 18 cents an hour rubbed against some lady's mink coat on the UES.

3. Close encounters with the bus-driving kind. Catch the $12 Chinatown express bus to the city of brotherly love to cheer the Giants against the Phillies and unite against a common enemy…The bus driver, with his  “stimulating” cadence of accelerate/brake/accelerate/brake/rinse/repeat. 

4. “Foot” massage at some on-the-DL-looking massage place. Regroup afterwards to laugh together at overhearing others’ pay-to-play.  Partitions instead of walls? Sweet.

  

 It is said that all is fair in love and war. Well, waterboarding isn’t fair (in spite of the best efforts of John Yoo) but engineering a date to have just enough danger, drama, and bulk dried sea foods on display doesn't violate the Geneva Conventions. Sometimes a smooth ride is a dull ride, but happy endings are forever.