Crash the ‘Bag! What I Learned at the TEA Party...w/video

Have you never, ever, been called a n*gger, communist, faggot-lover, or America-hater? 


Has it NEVER been shouted that you, personally, are financed by a vast Jew Conspiracy which also controls a New World Order from a secret underground Jew lair in Tel Aviv/Manhattan/Chicago? 


Ladies, have you NEVER BEFORE been called a 'cunt,' 'whore,' or other hearty Christian colloquialisms? 


NOW IS YOUR CHANCE!!!!



This Thursday, join the Real Americans® of America©, the TEA Party, for a massive 'bag-off in the nation’s capitol or in your very own, ProAmerica™ American hometown! The pasty ballsacks of Liberty must be watered from time to time with the blood of Reality! Rumor has it that Chuck Norris will be there!

Watch! As tax cuts by a Hawaiian-born half-black president elected in a free, open, landslide election will be transformed BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES into tax increases on every Real* American...Which are then enforced by federal agents costumed as Adolf Hitler menacingly pissing on violators from a blackhawk helicopter...all while George Soros himself trains the rear gunnery on Your Grandma! (*white)

See! How two lesbians having the same basic civil rights as Britney Spears and Newt Gingrich will unleash a plague of MANDATORY GAY ABORTIONS on a junior high in your neighborhood! Bible weevils ain't got nuthin' on Planned Parenthood!

Be There When! The keys to CIGNA’s actual 100% real death panels that actually 100% really decide which of their customers lives and which dies, slowly, will be handed over to democratically elected public officials, who were "voted" on at regular intervals by the "people"--in democratic and open elections by the very same public they were elected to govern. THIS IS KNOWN AS SOCIALISM. AND GAYNESS. These "public officials" will then prevent teenagers from being denied their liver transplants! But not really! Because we ALL KNOW that more people having access to timely medical care in doctors’ offices and not barn stalls/emergency rooms equals Obama actually swallowing your Grandma whole! Islamically! Cuz it said so on Glenn Beck's Blackboard of Absolute Truth. BUY GOLD!

Last October I had the honor of attending the Michelle Bachmann Rally on the capitol. As the Koch Industries and FreedumbWorks buses pulled onto the astroturf before me, I felt a sense of pride in the Real America®. We are at the forefront, yet again. This time, we get to see unspooling before us, a grand social experiment. The product of decades of shoddy education stands before you on the nations capitol or your local patch of grass--witness a great wailing about dinosaur bones being planted in the crust of the earth by Satan himself to trick humans into voting for Democrats as the tremors reach the upper chambers of congress. Recoil from a gnashing of teeth that "something just isn't right" about America, now that this new president, who some say is the beast 666 incarnate--has regulated an industry that citizens have begged be reined in since the Kennedy administration. By which I mean the President has obviously come to rape white ladies in their homes, in front of the Hummels! YES! Socialism=Hitler=Health Insurance regulations=welfare queens skull-fucking Freedom itself! And it all *hearts* fascism. Allah Akhbar!

BUT! If you are ready to have things seared into your psyche that you will likely wish you could un-see, here are some ideas for how to make the most of your day crashing the Tea Party.

Now, I won’t be 'bagcrashing, myself. The experience of wading through the sea of retirees so angry that they want the Government outta their Medicare…well, let’s say my tree of crazy has been watered with the blood of the gay agenda or whatever, quite enough, thank you very much. But let's peer deep into MY 'BAGFILES...

Goods, getting of

Good mics are essential. Be mic’d (with it on) at all times. Often the best 'baggery will happen when you are en route, not stationed in a patriogasmic display of jingoistic patriotism. For example, I went with a satirical group (not 'bagcrashers/impersonators) and we would walk for a while trhough the crowd, find a nice spot and do some singing, etc. The 3 cameras could not be focused on all of us, from all angles, at all times, leaving some of the best ‘bagging sadly undocumented.

The polite and classy patriot in the video below first used her bullhorn directly in my ear and then hit me with it. I only got my cameraphone out when I realized the main cameras didn’t catch it. Keep at least your voice recording app running at all times to augment the cameras' mics. I should have pressed charges but I didn’t see any cops around at the moment and the more one lingers with teadrama, the more loons will be attracted like a catholic priest to deaf minors at a NAMBLA convention. (apologies for sideways video, working on it)

This gentleman (in plaid shirt, at about :50, the other,  "George Soros" guy is just a bonus loon) followed next to me saying: “You cunt. You dirty whore. Look at you in that skirt you bitch. Put on some clothes. You nasty cunt.” I pulled the camera phone out and asked him if he wanted to state his name and he totally changed his demeanor. Watch:

Security, necessary measures of

I personally won’t go to a teabag rally again after the last experience, except as an observer, soaking in the spectacle without being a target of it.  Even if the tea baggers almost NEVER get the satire, someone still figures you aren’t one of them and sounds the ACORN alarm. So keep in mind some security precautions.

Don’t go alone. If you do some impersonations/comedy/whatever, have people with you who appear to be unrelated observers. Don’t have everybody doing the same thing--you will be surrounded with no way out of the cacophony of crazy. An old man yelling that you are a welfare queens will be joined by some angry ladies calling you ACORN, then before you know it the NWO stuff starts up and you will quickly learn to dislike crowds. And probably old white people.

There are plainclothes Capitol police around, as well as uniformed police officers. Try to remember where the uniformed officers are in case you need them. Camera microphones are not very good for loud crowds and boom mics probably aren’t practical. So keep a smaller camera running at all times, in your hand. Some of the most impressive crazytown happens when camera-savvy 'baggers will sidle up next to you while you walk and whisper or speak in a low voice directly at you. (This is when I found out I was financed by the Jews/Israel/the NWO/ George Soros/N*ggers/Islam-o-ricans, etc. )

ACORN, tea bag obsession with

When someone starts to scream ACORN and point at you, turn and point at someone else and call them ACORN to deflect it. Keep moving on. Then nobody knows exactly *who* is destroying America by trying to get foreclosure help for some cafeteria worker or register a cleaning lady to vote.

So this Thursday, Christ himself wants you to tread on over to your local patch of grass (or America's capitol/the Birthplace of the baby Jesus, Washington, DC) and stand up for Freedoms and Healthcares. Consider yourself awared.  See you there! 


Also on: DailyKos


Bonus Reel: Grandpa McKickass moves to takes off his jacket, menacingly. Then rethinks it, and turns around. (Better view of same in legit vid following at :50)