Litigious Birther Orly Taitz Thanks Supporters for 372,000 Cracks in Padded Ceiling

Orly Taitz, America's most litigious muppet, fails to claim the GOP nomination for California Secretary of State. But 372,000 people did actually cast a ballot for her, so hope is not 100% lost for Birthers. 

Indiana--America's "Mississippi North"?

Phil Bailey is keeping it  "All in the Family"...and taking his "little red riding hood" directly to Grandma's house:

From Yahoo Lifestyle:

Pearl Carter is positively glowing with joy. She has a handsome new boyfriend, is enjoying an active sex life after many years of celibacy and, amazingly, is preparing to become a mother again.

But the retired grandmother isn't carrying the baby herself. She and her young lover have spent a staggering $54,000 hiring a surrogate to help them with their dreams of having a child.

What makes Pearl's decision to become a mum again even more shocking is that her new boyfriend is her biological grandson, 26-year-old Phil Bailey.

Ha! Yes, readers! YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SCRUB THAT FROM YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS. Consider it my belated April Fools' joke to you.  You might as well keep reading:

.....

However, the pair makes no apologies for their controversial plan to start their own family.

'I'm not interested in anyone else's opinion,' Pearl says. 'I am in love with Phil and he's in love with me. Soon I'll be holding my son or daughter in my arms and Phil will be the proud dad'.

Phil adds, 'I love Pearl with all my heart. I've always been attracted to older women and I think Pearl is gorgeous. Now I'm going to be a dad and I can't wait.

'Yes, we get laughed at and bullied when we go out and kiss in public but we don't care. You can't help who you fall for.'

Wait! There's More! -------->

Politician Also Smeared Opponent With Accusations of Not Having Relations With Sexxxy Ducks

What is America coming to? Or, more correctly: To What is America Coming? According to one Pennsylvania politico, Not other dudes, no-way-no-how. 


Aspiring PA State Rep Gregg Kravitz has been accused by his primary opponent of pretending to like peters as much as ladies in a bid to get votes from District-182's other peter-on-peterers. 

Veteran Rep. Babette Josephs (D., Phila.) last Thursday accused her primary opponent, Gregg Kravitz, of pretending to be bisexual in order to pander to lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender voters, a powerful bloc in the district.

Ergo, according to the Pat Robertsonian Law of Homo Physics, our great nation's sexy, sexy ducks  are not getting any furtive love, either from the supposedly rainbow-spangled Mr. Kravitz . And why have we not jumped on making clucky-clucky long time? Is it because we--the obese, insolvent, blogging, public are too busy fapping away to graven images of our nation's eminent thinker on matters of buttsexxing and the sex lives of domestic animals, Pat Robertson? The Devil doth tempt our flesh and whatnot!


Here is Robertson telling America's homos/ducklovers where to send the bill. Or maybe he is recounting that conservative Alaska cruise where he played doctor with Larry Craig. Either way, he appears to have momentarily lost focus on the family.

But debauched elite limousine coastal welfare queen liberals are fighting back with a gay agenda of their own:

What's next? "I am a Duck-fucking American!??"

Signs of the APOCALYPSE

Happy Ending are Forever

What do I look for in a man besides someone who won’t go out for a pack of cigarettes and never come back? The same things we all want: mental stimulation, sexual intuitiveness, and someone to tickle-fight with under our ironic snuggies.   

But to find this person, how about mixing it up a bit? Taking a novel approach to the event, how about a first date so subtly skewed that the two of you could bond over the absurdity of it?

Why, you ask, would anyone want to have a date go wrong on purpose? Simple, to have some outside force to bond in opposition to...To have some outside force to which you are in opposition--oh, fuck you grammar nazis. 

So why not head to Chinatown and try something like this? 

1.  Would you like feet with that? Find the restaurant with the most menacing hanging-poultry display you’ve ever seen and get a double order of chicken feet. Will they be relieved when you go for Thai on the second date? Will you find out they like to eat feet? Either way…win.

Wait! There's More! -------->

BREAKING: Tea Party Crashers EXPOSED as Conservative Group

But who is behind it?

UPDATE:

An internet conservative group has been caught waging a dirty campaign to slander Democrats.  This nameless group of conservative trolls created a Facebook group entitled "Crash the Tea Party” and falsely attributed its creation and administration to a “a Nationwide Network of Democrats.”  
 

Check out this screen grab I pulled on Friday, April 16 from the google cache of “Crash the Tea Party” Facebook group:

As you can see, there is no mention of right-wing affiliation and a bald-faced lie about ”who we are.”

Wait! There's More! -------->

Memory Lane: I Knew Obama Had Won It When I Saw This Photo

My god. Even his jowls have jowls! Well done!  Follow John McCain's jowls on twitter: @McCainsJOWLS

Your truly--OUTED!!! As the Voice of Mitch McConnells' Jowls on Twitter! Roll Call's Heard on the Hill Has the Story

Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnells Face Flaps o' Family values...on Twitter

It's a Jowl-Off, ladies and gentlemens

HENNGGHH?

JOWLS 4 Lieberman

Crash the ‘Bag! What I Learned at the TEA Party...w/video

Have you never, ever, been called a n*gger, communist, faggot-lover, or America-hater? 


Has it NEVER been shouted that you, personally, are financed by a vast Jew Conspiracy which also controls a New World Order from a secret underground Jew lair in Tel Aviv/Manhattan/Chicago? 


Ladies, have you NEVER BEFORE been called a 'cunt,' 'whore,' or other hearty Christian colloquialisms? 


NOW IS YOUR CHANCE!!!!

Wait! There's More! -------->

Presented Without Comment

Not at all St. Patty's-themed, but here's a sketch!

SKELETEL: MOBILE PHONE SERVICE FOR THE DEAD

Copyright Penny Hollaway 2010

Characters:

SPOKESMAN (Like the VERIZON GUY)

FEMALE OPERATOR

ZOMBIE CUSTOMER

ZOMBIE WHITE GUY 

ZOMBIE LADY

ZOMBIE BLACK GUY

GHOST

VAMPIRES

ZOMBIE MOB

CALLER

(OPEN ON CALL CENTER WITH CUBICLES)

SPOKESMAN (V.O)

There's a new mobile phone company

that's leaving others...in the

dust.

FEMALE OPERATOR 

(over the shoulder shot,

she is facing a computer screen,

we only see the back of

her head )

Skeletel Mobile phone service for

the dead. How may I help you?

ZOMBIE CUSTOMER (V.O)

Hegh! Arrgh! Brains!!!

FEMALE OPERATOR

Let me connect you.

Wait! There's More! -------->

Time Machine: A Few Years In the Future, After Healthcare Begins Its Assault on Our Way of Life....

THE SUNSHINE COMMISSION

(c)2010 Penny Hollaway

CHARACTERS:

JOSHUA, 7 years old

MOM,

MALE ANNOUNCER,

FEMALE ANNOUNCER,

FREE SPIRITED LADY,

GRANNY, elderly woman in housedress

( OPEN ON: KITCHEN IN SUBURBS)

( MOM is seated at table)

(JOSHUA enters with bookbag.)

JOSHUA

I accidented in my pants today at

school, Momma.

MOM

Oh, sweetheart...

JOSHUA

Madison Mendez told me that she is    

going to report me to the

"Department of Homeland Youth In

Asia." Cuz I spit in her purple

play-dough.

She said that Sarah Palin was on TV

sayin' that the president will make

(annunciates awkwardly)

"mild-artistic" kids like me into

glue.

(JOSHUA cries and rubs his eyes)
con't after the jump-------->

Wait! There's More! -------->